Solemn Jeff Bezos Realizes He Could End Up Like Homeless Man If Just Few Hundred Thousand Things Go Wrong

SEATTLE—Beginning to accept just how close to financial hardship he truly was, a solemn Jeff Bezos realized Thursday that he could end up like a homeless man living on the street if just a few hundred thousand things went wrong. “Christ, if only 100,000 to 200,000 things don’t go my way, that could be me,” said the world’s richest man, adding that a total collapse of the world economy, a severe psychotic break, and a devastating environmental catastrophe could lead to the CEO falling through society’s cracks and sleeping each night in a cardboard box. “I could suddenly lose my job, my health insurance, my mansions, my planes, become addicted to every drug, break every bone in my body, be arrested for arson, and deal with the fallout of a mass amnesia where nobody knows me, and then I’m left completely penniless with nowhere to go. It really is only by the grace of God that none of those things plus a few million others have not yet happened to me.” At press time, just to be safe, Bezos was meeting with Amazon’s board of directors to discuss further cuts to employee benefits.

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