WILSON, WY—Following news that the military withdrawal had ramped up after U.S. troops pulled out of Bagram Airfield, former Vice President Dick Cheney was overheard Friday muttering “Someone’s gotta occupy Afghanistan” as he shoved a cache of firearms into a suitcase. “It’s a dirty job, keeping those terrorists in line, but by God, I’ll do it myself if I have to,” said the 80-year-old former defense secretary, sticking a tactical knife into his ankle holster before placing C-4 explosives, grenades, and his travel neck pillow into a duffel bag. “I should’ve known this day would come. You think you’re all hunky-dory, just set it and forget it over there, but then these assholes go and screw everything up. Now I have to call Condi [Rice], Colin [Powell], and Bob [Gates] and tell them to cancel their plans and come help me. Christ, I’m getting too old for this shit. And where are my goddamn M16s? Well, it’s like I always say: Don’t send an army to do Dick Cheney’s job.” At press time, Cheney was reportedly cursing his late mentor Donald Rumsfeld “for taking the easy way out” as he drew up battle plans to reinvade Afghanistan by himself.