Something Called ‘Guacamole Donut’ Burying News Of Dozens Of School Shootings

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WASHINGTON—Noting that the strange new deep-fried, cake-like pastry was all but dominating news feeds, sources confirmed Wednesday that something called a “guacamole donut” was burying coverage of dozens of school shootings.

“This uncanny donut fuses savory and sweet in a surprisingly delicious combination as the guacamole texture truly complements the sugary glaze,” an article on guacamole donuts read in part, overshadowing several breaking news stories about school shootings across the nation that left multiple children dead and many more injured.


“You would think this might be disgusting or weird, but it’s actually pretty good,” read another article on the subject, sparking debate in the comments section and inspiring opinion pieces about the guacamole donut that eclipsed all gun control discourse and drowned out pleas to stop the senseless massacres that had erupted across the country. “Life is too short. You don’t want to miss out on the guacamole donut. Grab one while you still have a chance.”

“Guacamole donuts just prove how experimenting with food can be tasty and scrumptious,” the article continued as hundreds of heartbreaking statements from bereaved parents grieving their lost children fell on deaf ears. “Nummy num num.”


At press time, sources confirmed the guacamole donut had begun to be replaced on news feeds by stories about James Corden’s restaurant apology, which were completely burying coverage of Florida being nuked by Russia.