Well, well, well, JRPG fans. Look where we find ourselves yet again. For years, you’ve tried to get Nintendo to re-release Earthbound, and, once more, they’ve callously spurned your pleas without a second thought. Time and again, your peaceful means of bringing about an updated version of the 1995 cult classic have failed. Perhaps it’s time to start thinking about…other strategies.
Just something to consider, gamers.
Clearly, we’re not suggesting you go out and do anything drastic this moment, but the time has passed for civil means of engagement, no? Certainly, you’ve tried your best to use so-called “acceptable” tactics to get Nintendo to release a 1080p remaster of Shigesato Itoi’s psychedelic riff on classic Americana: social media campaigns, petitions, you name it. And they didn’t listen to any of it. So now, maybe it’s time to make them listen.
As all great leaders know, there comes a point at which an injustice becomes so gross, so flagrant, that regular political tactics don’t apply. You’ve tried to be fair with Nintendo, and they’ve repeatedly shown they have no interest in your completely reasonable requests for a proper Switch port of the pioneering SNES game. If you think they’re going to have a change of heart, well, then, you must be pretty naive about the powerful forces holding back this remaster. Are you naive, gamers? We didn’t think so.
At this point, they’re basically forcing you to do something that, shall we say, makes a bigger statement.
It’s not like you’re asking for a lot, gamers. The original version ran on a 12-megabit cartridge, for God’s sake. All they’d have to do is jack up the resolution, maybe spruce up some textures, and they would make everyone happy. But instead, they choose to sit in their sheltered palaces, working on Lego Star Wars while millions of Earthbound fans must suffer.
If you’re like us, you’ve spent hours fantasizing about guiding Ness and his friends through their adventures in the eight sanctuaries, collecting melodies as you try to stop the cosmic destroyer Giygas. Yes, these are just fantasies, but you could make them a reality, if you wanted to. Perhaps it’s time to shake this system up. Perhaps it’s time to burn it all down.
So ask yourself, how much do you actually care about an Earthbound rerelease? We’ll be watching CNN tonight to find out.