DECATUR, IL—Expressing frustration after wasting so much time germinating, absorbing soil nutrients, and learning about the rich culture of the Hunan province, a local soybean was reportedly pissed Monday upon learning that the ongoing trade war meant its trip to China was canceled. “Christ, this is just my fucking luck,” said the 53-day-old legume, noting that ever since it had sprouted, it had always dreamed of leaving the Midwest and spending some time abroad in East Asia as a fermented bean paste. “My friends and I had this whole big trip planned, but now—who knows? It just sucks that I’m being punished for someone else’s dumb trade war. Now, instead of seeing the Great Wall, I’ll be stuck in some grain silo bored out of my goddamn mind.” At press time, the soybean reportedly sighed as it was ground into dull hamburger filler, just like its father.

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