AUSTIN, TX—Calling it a terrible tragedy that could and should have easily been avoided, investigators slammed SpaceX Thursday after an autonomous rocket veered off course and struck a pedestrian. “At approximately 11 a.m. CST, a SpaceX Falcon9 rocket launched itself into traffic at 17,000 mph, hitting and subsequently killing a man who was crossing the street,” read a statement from the National Transportation Safety Board, adding that despite being programmed with the latest self-guiding software, the rocket entered traffic, ignored several red lights, and failed to disengage several high-speed booster rockets at the time of impact. “After striking and killing the pedestrian, the spaceship continued to accelerate, until it ultimately flew off of a cliff and collided with a tree, creating an enormous mushroom cloud visible from the entire city. Sadly, until we can enter the several hundred foot crater and find the rocket’s data logs, we may never know what truly happened.” At press time, SpaceX responded that while they were sorry for the loss of life, they were proud that no cars were harmed in the accident.