ATLANTA—Calling it “a perfect feminine explosive” for any silhouette, Spanx officials announced Friday that the company had launched a new line of smoke bombs for concealing unwanted bumps and bulges. “Whether you’re going out for a night on the town or just getting dressed up for a casual dinner, these new flash grenades from Spanx will give you the full-coverage look you need to feel confident and fabulous,” said spokesperson Karina Lusk, adding that their patented, extra-thick mist is guaranteed to cover any unwanted “problem areas” when the device detonates. “Feeling bloated? Puffy? Never fear! Just grab your Spanx smoke bomb, toss it on the ground, and wait for the bang! Before you know it, those extra pounds will be hidden behind a cloud of billowing smoke, leaving you ample time to flee the area or drop through any nearby trapdoor. With that kind of firepower? Cellulite doesn’t stand a chance.” Lusk also teased the company’s upcoming release of a new line of slimming mix-and-match helicopter and rope ladder sets for concealing bumps and bulges from 10,000 feet in the air.
More from The Onion