Speech That Will Get You Arrested In Russia

Speech That Will Get You Arrested In Russia

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While Americans enjoy freedom of speech, citizens in heavily censored autocratic regimes experience the complete opposite. If Russian citizens say any of the following things, they will be arrested and punished immediately.

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“In my opin-”

“In my opin-”

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Most people find they can’t finish this word before being shot on sight.

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“I’m a journalist.”

“I’m a journalist.”

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C’mon, now. You’re just asking to be sent to the gulag at this point.

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“Putin seems like a really good guy.”

“Putin seems like a really good guy.”

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What do you mean, “seems like”?

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“Huh, things sure seem to be happening.”

“Huh, things sure seem to be happening.”

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No, they aren’t. Straight to jail for you.

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“I have traveled here from the future to tell you that your actions will cause a nuclear war that will lead to unfathomable devastation. Everyone you know will perish.”

“I have traveled here from the future to tell you that your actions will cause a nuclear war that will lead to unfathomable devastation. Everyone you know will perish.”

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Russian police officers are pretty sick of hearing this one by now.

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The opening monologue from ‘Spirit: Stallion Of The Cimarron.’

The opening monologue from ‘Spirit: Stallion Of The Cimarron.’

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If there’s anything Russian Nationalists hate more than glorifying the American West, it’s the voice of Matt Damon.

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“Some families have two mommies or two daddies.”

“Some families have two mommies or two daddies.”

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Saying this in a classroom could get you thrown in jail in Russia, unlike here in the United States, where it will only get you fired and sued.

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Talking about work during lunch breaks.

Talking about work during lunch breaks.

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It’s a universally hated practice, but in the Russian Federation, it is punishable by up to 30 years in prison and a 10,000,000-ruble fine.

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“When is my father coming home?”

“When is my father coming home?”

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That’s classified, kid. Who do you work for?

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“I’m twice the man Putin is, and for half the price.”

“I’m twice the man Putin is, and for half the price.”

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Russia is not falling for another door-to-door oligarch salesman again.

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“I love you, son.”

“I love you, son.”

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Love must be shown through action, not words.

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“I would fuck Trudeau, marry Obama, and kill Putin.”

“I would fuck Trudeau, marry Obama, and kill Putin.”

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Russian law mandates Putin is always the F in games of F, Marry, Kill.

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“My name is Alexei Navalny, and I’m running for president.”

“My name is Alexei Navalny, and I’m running for president.”

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Jail is kinda the least of your worries with this one.

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“Today, I shall violate Lenin’s corpse.”

“Today, I shall violate Lenin’s corpse.”

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In terms of arousing suspicion, this is kind of a longstanding no-no.

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“Hockey is too cold.”

“Hockey is too cold.”

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While hockey arenas may be frigid, saying anything bad about a national sport will result in jail time.

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“How come I’m 22 and the president hasn’t changed yet?”

“How come I’m 22 and the president hasn’t changed yet?”

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Don’t ask questions.

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“I killed Alyona Ivanova!”

“I killed Alyona Ivanova!”

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If you’re the protagonist of Crime And Punishment, you will indeed get arrested.

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“Long live Romanov!”

“Long live Romanov!”

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Praising the former imperial house of Russia is just a bit of a cliché at this point.

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“Everything is fine here.”

“Everything is fine here.”

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If Americans think Russia keeps its citizens safe, they’ll think Putin has gone soft.

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