Spend $15 Building Your Ultimate NBA Lineup

Spend $15 Building Your Ultimate NBA Lineup

Illustration for article titled Spend $15 Building Your Ultimate NBA Lineup

Sure, your favorite team’s GM sucks, but could you do any better? Would you chase stars to form a Big 3 or build around the margins to craft a perfectly balanced roster? Put your team-building skills to the test by constructing the best possible lineup without exceeding your $15 budget.

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$5

$5

Illustration for article titled Spend $15 Building Your Ultimate NBA Lineup
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Stephen Curry

Stephen Curry

Illustration for article titled Spend $15 Building Your Ultimate NBA Lineup

Winning Formula: Preternatural ability to attract defenders with an industrial-sized magnet.

Cause For Concern: Are you really gonna blow a third of your budget on the first guy? Get a grip, man.

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.45 Pistol

.45 Pistol

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Winning Formula: A veteran locker room presence that’s shown no signs of age

Cause For Concern: Can’t stay out of the headlines

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LeBron James

LeBron James

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Winning Formula: Basketball prodigy who didn’t play professionally until he was 18

Cause For Concern: Your remaining players must agree to sign with Klutch Sports

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Giannis Antetokounmpo

Giannis Antetokounmpo

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Winning Formula: Unstoppable smile

Cause For Concern: Makes a lot of noise jumping around like that

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War Machine

War Machine

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Winning Formula: Team player who knows how to maximize 8-minutes of screen time

Cause For Concern: Lack of lateral quickness renders him a liability on the perimeter

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$4

$4

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Damian Lillard

Damian Lillard

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Winning Formula: Dominates in crunch-time thanks to innate punctuality

Cause For Concern: 1-12 postseason record against the Warriors exposed a glaring weakness to better teams

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Luka Dončić

Luka Dončić

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Winning Formula: Survived rookie hazing ritual where teammates forced him to carry the whole franchise

Cause For Concern: Can complain for a foul call in 10 languages

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Property Brothers

Property Brothers

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Winning Formula: Matching tattoos render these twins indistinguishable to defenses

Cause For Concern: Sabotaging home-court advantage by renovating the arena before every game

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Buck Swope

Buck Swope

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Winning Formula: High-level endurance from years in disco and porn

Cause For Concern: Downtrodden eyes that convey the death of certain kind of American masculinity

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Anthony Davis

Anthony Davis

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Winning Formula: Trade demands

Cause For Concern: Completely anonymous despite a decade of MVP-level production

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$3

$3

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Dakota Fanning

Dakota Fanning

Illustration for article titled Spend $15 Building Your Ultimate NBA Lineup

Winning Formula: Knockdown shooter with a mean streak on defense

Cause For Concern: An overbearing father looms large over any team who signs the Fanning sisters

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Basher Tarr

Basher Tarr

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Winning Formula: Stopping opponent’s momentum by blacking out the arena lights

Cause For Concern: Failed to pull off the Van Der Woude Job

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Jimmy Butler

Jimmy Butler

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Winning Formula: Emotional abuse

Cause For Concern: Works too hard, cares too much

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Zion Williamson

Zion Williamson

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Winning Formula: Innovating the game by being stronger than his opponents

Cause For Concern: Charming, hospitable personality could backfire in a sport where pettiness rules the day

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Optimus Prime

Optimus Prime

Illustration for article titled Spend $15 Building Your Ultimate NBA Lineup

Winning Formula: Strong rim defender who can switch onto wings

Cause For Concern: The 36-year-old Autobot probably peaked in the early 2010s

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$2

$2

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Ja Morant

Ja Morant

Illustration for article titled Spend $15 Building Your Ultimate NBA Lineup

Winning Formula: Jumping over stuff

Cause For Concern: Slender frame could leave him susceptible to hard-hitting safeties

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Devin Booker

Devin Booker

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Winning Formula: Can do everything on the court except make teammates better

Cause For Concern: Inconsistent player who struggles to put up 70 points every night

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Paul Rusesabagina

Paul Rusesabagina

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Winning Formula: Conflict-management skills to lead any locker room

Cause For Concern: Opposition to horrible human rights abuses in direct conflict with team’s Nike or Adidas endorsements

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Jayson Tatum

Jayson Tatum

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Winning Formula: World’s best dad

Cause For Concern: Stamina took a serious hit this season after contracting a deadly respiratory virus

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Swordfish

Swordfish

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Winning Formula: Lockdown defender with elite wingspan

Cause For Concern: Bites on too many pump fakes

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$1

$1

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LaMelo Ball

LaMelo Ball

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Winning Formula: Throws passes with every part of his arm

Cause For Concern: Media overexposure risks spreading awareness of the game

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Don Cheadle (SNL)

Don Cheadle (SNL)

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Winning Formula: Plays bigger than his size thanks to vocal projection

Cause For Concern: Missed NBA All-Star Weekend to do his little skits

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Grimes

Grimes

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Winning Formula: Crunch-time performance art

Cause For Concern: 4ÆM\\\x_O34

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Michael Rapaport

Michael Rapaport

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Winning Formula: Curdled milk

Cause For Concern: Tanked his audition for White Men Can’t Jump by hopping over a wet spot

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Rudy Gobert

Rudy Gobert

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Winning Formula: Regular season defense

Cause For Concern: Divided his locker room by spreading and independently creating Covid-19

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