BaseballChild Snatches Foul Ball Away From Adult Who Could’ve Really Used The WinCINCINNATI—A heartrending scene unfolded at a Tuesday night baseball game between the Cincinnati Reds and Los Angeles Dodgers when a child reportedly snatched a foul ball away from an adult who could’ve really used the win. When the foul ball was…
BasketballNikola Jokic: ‘Basketball Is Boring’DENVER—Asked for his comments on playing in his first NBA Finals, Denver Nuggets center Nikola Jokic told reporters Thursday night that he found basketball boring. “I do not find this sport very interesting at all,” said Jokic, adding that he was…
BasketballBoston Fan Doesn’t Have Slurs To Describe Disappointment In CelticsBOSTON—Following a meltdown in the Eastern Conference Finals that saw his team lose the crucial Game 7 by 19 points to the eighth-seeded Miami Heat, local Boston Celtics fan Tim Atkinson told reporters Thursday that he didn’t have the slurs to…
BaseballDad’s Entire Parenting Strategy Just Ensuring Son Doesn’t Become Yankees FanNEW CANAAN, CT—Sources familiar with the man’s role in his child’s life confirmed to reporters Monday that local dad Marcus Weir’s parenting strategy is solely focused on ensuring his son doesn’t become a New York Yankees fan. Beginning shortly…
NBANikola Jokic: ‘Basketball Is Boring’DENVER—Asked for his comments on playing in his first NBA Finals, Denver Nuggets center Nikola Jokic told reporters Thursday night that he found basketball boring. “I do not find this sport very interesting at all,” said Jokic, adding that he was…
NBABoston Fan Doesn’t Have Slurs To Describe Disappointment In CelticsBOSTON—Following a meltdown in the Eastern Conference Finals that saw his team lose the crucial Game 7 by 19 points to the eighth-seeded Miami Heat, local Boston Celtics fan Tim Atkinson told reporters Thursday that he didn’t have the slurs to…
NBAAthletes Respond To LeBron James’ Rumored RetirementAfter the Denver Nuggets swept the Los Angeles Lakers in the NBA’s Western Conference finals, LeBron James said he was uncertain about his future. The Onion asked professional athletes what they thought about the rumored retirement, and this is what…
NBAStephen A. Smith Blasts Ja Morant For Poor Gun-Handling FundamentalsBRISTOL, CT—Launching into a lengthy rant about the suspended Memphis Grizzlies point guard during an episode of First Take Thursday evening, ESPN commentator Stephen A. Smith blasted Ja Morant for poor gun-handling fundamentals. “This was the…
NFLJets Impressed By How Quickly Aaron Rodgers Complaining About RosterNEW YORK—Complimenting the quarterback for the speed with which he’d acclimated to their team, members of the New York Jets coaching staff told reporters Wednesday they were impressed by how quickly Aaron Rodgers was complaining about the roster.…
NFLRoger Goodell: ‘With The First Pick Of The 2023 NFL Draft The Carolina Panthers Select Quarterback Roger Goodell’
BaseballChild Snatches Foul Ball Away From Adult Who Could’ve Really Used The WinCINCINNATI—A heartrending scene unfolded at a Tuesday night baseball game between the Cincinnati Reds and Los Angeles Dodgers when a child reportedly snatched a foul ball away from an adult who could’ve really used the win. When the foul ball was…
BaseballDad’s Entire Parenting Strategy Just Ensuring Son Doesn’t Become Yankees FanNEW CANAAN, CT—Sources familiar with the man’s role in his child’s life confirmed to reporters Monday that local dad Marcus Weir’s parenting strategy is solely focused on ensuring his son doesn’t become a New York Yankees fan. Beginning shortly…
BaseballLittle Leaguers Concerned Introducing Pitch Clock Would Cut Into Grass-Picking TimeWILLIAMSPORT, PA—Officials have reportedly been dealing with a high volume of player complaints in the first weeks of the season as Little Leaguers express concerns that introducing a pitch clock would cut into their grass-picking time. “I get that…
BaseballOrlando Launches Bid For MLB Team In Attempt To Make City More UnappealingORLANDO, FL—After conducting a study showing the effects of hosting an expansion franchise, the city of Orlando reportedly launched a bid for a Major League Baseball team Friday in an attempt to make the city more unappealing. “With an MLB team in…
Horse RacingMedina Spirit Trashes Trailer In Steroid-Fueled Rage After Being Told Of Second Positive Test
Horse RacingBob Baffert Once Again Denies Doping Allegations After Medina Spirit Wins Coca-Cola 600CHARLOTTE, NC—Insisting that he would be cleared of all wrongdoing and is the target of a media witch hunt, embattled horse trainer Bob Baffert once again denied doping allegations Monday after his horse Medina Spirit won the Coca-Cola 600. “It’s a…
Horse RacingYoung Mare Can’t Believe Stallion She Slept With Lied To Her About Being 5-2 Favorite In Preakness StakesBALTIMORE—Cursing herself out for ever having been so gullible, local mare Persephone couldn’t believe the stallion she slept with Friday had lied to her about being a 5-2 betting odds favorite in the Preakness Stakes. “That son of a bitch wasn’t…
