Sports - America's Finest News Source | The Onion

America's Finest News Source.

America's Finest News Source.

News In Photos

Adam Schefter Waiting On Final Edits From NFL Before Issuing Apology

Adam Schefter Waiting On Final Edits From NFL Before Issuing Apology

Bite Taken Out Of Nerf Football

Bite Taken Out Of Nerf Football

Newly Washed Gym Clothes Immediately Placed Into Dank, Musty Bag

Newly Washed Gym Clothes Immediately Placed Into Dank, Musty Bag

Basketball

Nets Front Office Wishes Kyrie Irving Would Stop Acting Like Kyrie Irving

Nets Front Office Wishes Kyrie Irving Would Stop Acting Like Kyrie Irving

‘God Has A Plan For Me,’ Says Man Who Was Drafted By The Orlando Magic

‘God Has A Plan For Me,’ Says Man Who Was Drafted By The Orlando Magic

Charles Barkley Insists Modern Stars Would Not Score 10 Points A Game In Tougher 1400s NBA

Charles Barkley Insists Modern Stars Would Not Score 10 Points A Game In Tougher 1400s NBA

Baseball

Mariners Promise Fans They’ll Be Back To Finish 2022 Playoff Race In Even More Heartbreaking Fashion

Mariners Promise Fans They’ll Be Back To Finish 2022 Playoff Race In Even More Heartbreaking Fashion

MLB Experts Predictions For The 2021 Postseason

MLB Experts Predictions For The 2021 Postseason

So-Called Diehard Fan Won’t Even Leap Over Stadium Railing To Catch T-Shirt

So-Called Diehard Fan Won’t Even Leap Over Stadium Railing To Catch T-Shirt

Football

Urban Meyer Still Adjusting To Speed Of NFL Cover-Ups

Urban Meyer Still Adjusting To Speed Of NFL Cover-Ups

Roger Goodell Increasingly Worried NFL Players At Risk Of Gaining Sentience

Roger Goodell Increasingly Worried NFL Players At Risk Of Gaining Sentience

Texas State Troopers Arrest Dak Prescott For Terminating Conceived Playcall With Audible

Texas State Troopers Arrest Dak Prescott For Terminating Conceived Playcall With Audible

Slideshow

Athletes Share The Worst Questions They've Been Asked By The Media

Athletes Share The Worst Questions They've Been Asked By The Media

Professional Athletes’ Opinions On The Covid-19 Vaccine

Professional Athletes’ Opinions On The Covid-19 Vaccine

Olympians Describe Their Biggest Heartbreaks At The Games

Olympians Describe Their Biggest Heartbreaks At The Games

News In Brief

New Madden ‘Owner Mode’ Allows Players To Customize Concussion Study Findings

New Madden ‘Owner Mode’ Allows Players To Customize Concussion Study Findings

Man Way Too Deep Into Fantasy League To Ask What ‘PPR’ Means Now

Man Way Too Deep Into Fantasy League To Ask What ‘PPR’ Means Now

Simone Biles Drops In On Pickup Gymnastics Meet In Rucker Park

Simone Biles Drops In On Pickup Gymnastics Meet In Rucker Park

Horse Racing

Medina Spirit Trashes Trailer In Steroid-Fueled Rage After Being Told Of Second Positive Test

Medina Spirit Trashes Trailer In Steroid-Fueled Rage After Being Told Of Second Positive Test

Bob Baffert Once Again Denies Doping Allegations After Medina Spirit Wins Coca-Cola 600

Bob Baffert Once Again Denies Doping Allegations After Medina Spirit Wins Coca-Cola 600

Young Mare Can’t Believe Stallion She Slept With Lied To Her About Being 5-2 Favorite In Preakness Stakes

Young Mare Can’t Believe Stallion She Slept With Lied To Her About Being 5-2 Favorite In Preakness Stakes

Hockey

Carey Price Lets In Easy Goal While Contemplating Chemical Properties Of Ice

Carey Price Lets In Easy Goal While Contemplating Chemical Properties Of Ice

Golf

Phil Mickelson Becomes First Golfer To Win Major In 14 Different Decades

Phil Mickelson Becomes First Golfer To Win Major In 14 Different Decades

‘This Is What It’s All About, Boys,’ Says Man Hour Away From Complete Meltdown On Sixth Hole

‘This Is What It’s All About, Boys,’ Says Man Hour Away From Complete Meltdown On Sixth Hole

Graphical Feature

Today’s Historic Front Page: Nov. 7, 2020

Today’s Historic Front Page: Nov. 7, 2020

Most Used Words In Ray Lewis’ Hall Of Fame Acceptance Speech

Most Used Words In Ray Lewis’ Hall Of Fame Acceptance Speech

Keys To The Matchup: Steelers vs. Patriots

Keys To The Matchup: Steelers vs. Patriots

The Morning Sweat

Was LeBron Too Hard On His Laker Teammates When He Called Them A ‘Bunch Of Dumbass Shitheads Who Should Quit Basketball’?

Was LeBron Too Hard On His Laker Teammates When He Called Them A ‘Bunch Of Dumbass Shitheads Who Should Quit Basketball’?

Should Baseball Fix Its Pacing Issues By Limiting Visits To The In-Laws During Games?<em></em>

Should Baseball Fix Its Pacing Issues By Limiting Visits To The In-Laws During Games?

Can Hank Finish The 14 Teams Left In His MLB Season Preview Before He Passes Out From Exhaustion?<em></em>

Can Hank Finish The 14 Teams Left In His MLB Season Preview Before He Passes Out From Exhaustion?

Strongside/Weakside

Strongside/Weakside: Marcus Mariota

Strongside/Weakside: Marcus Mariota

Strongside/Weakside: Mike Tomlin

Strongside/Weakside: Mike Tomlin

Strongside/Weakside: DeShaun Watson

Strongside/Weakside: DeShaun Watson

Sportology

How Does A Hive Mind Keep A Synchronized Swimming Team So Coordinated?

How Does A Hive Mind Keep A Synchronized Swimming Team So Coordinated?

Does Shaving A Hammer Really Make It Move Faster Through The Air?

Does Shaving A Hammer Really Make It Move Faster Through The Air?

How Do Archers Resist Firing Arrows At Everyone In The Spectator Gallery?

How Do Archers Resist Firing Arrows At Everyone In The Spectator Gallery?

Sportswire

Final Chuck Knoblauch Overthrown Ball Comes To Rest In Lake Superior

Alternate Uniform Leaves No Trace Of Team’s Original Colors, Name, Sport

Eagles Sign JaMarcus Russell, Matt Leinart, Vince Young, Ryan Leaf

Big Games

Keys To The Matchup: Duke vs. Wisconsin

Keys To The Matchup: Duke vs. Wisconsin

Keys To The Matchup: Colts vs. Patriots

Keys To The Matchup: Colts vs. Patriots

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Seahawks

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Seahawks

Owners Box

Owner's Box: Bearded Robert Griffin III Spotted Living In Houseboat On Chesapeake Bay

Owner's Box: Bearded Robert Griffin III Spotted Living In Houseboat On Chesapeake Bay

Owner's Box: Your Friend’s Death Could Leave 6-8 Quality Starters For Pick Up

Owner's Box: Your Friend’s Death Could Leave 6-8 Quality Starters For Pick Up

Owner's Box: Marc Trestman Adopts Baby To Save Relationship With Bears

Owner's Box: Marc Trestman Adopts Baby To Save Relationship With Bears

Onion Sports Network

Lance Armstrong's Publicity Team Playing Up The 1993 Norway Road Race Title He Still Has

Lance Armstrong's Publicity Team Playing Up The 1993 Norway Road Race Title He Still Has

Ichiro Suzuki Convinces Yankee Teammates That It's Good Luck To Lick His Elbow

Ichiro Suzuki Convinces Yankee Teammates That It's Good Luck To Lick His Elbow

Chicago Cubs Combine Seven Players To Form One Giant Player Called "Chicagazor"

Chicago Cubs Combine Seven Players To Form One Giant Player Called "Chicagazor"

SportsDome

Supreme Court Ruling Gives Fans The Right To Act Like Total Assholes At Games

Supreme Court Ruling Gives Fans The Right To Act Like Total Assholes At Games

Yogi Berra Honored With Nude Statue

Yogi Berra Honored With Nude Statue

Legendary Stalker Of Female Athletes Retires

Legendary Stalker Of Female Athletes Retires

Advertisement