FootballMatt Eberflus Blames Justin Fields’ Struggles On Incompetent CoachingCHICAGO—Following the quarterback’s poor performance through the team’s first two games, Chicago Bears coach Matt Eberflus blamed Justin Fields’ struggles Friday on incompetent coaching. “It seems pretty clear to me that it’s the coaching staff’s…
FootballNFL Introduces New Helmet Designed To Protect Players’ WivesNEW YORK—Attributing the move to its need to address a long-standing safety concern, the NFL introduced a new helmet this week designed to protect players’ wives. “These new helmets are specially designed to withstand repeated blows and to protect…
FootballBijan Robinson Hailed As Generational Talent Who Will Be Out Of League In 3 YearsBRISTOL, CT—Following a standout week-two performance in which the rookie put up 172 combined rushing and receiving yards, ESPN commentators hailed Atlanta Falcons running back Bijan Robinson this week as a generational talent who will be out of the…
SportsFootballNFLSportsFootballNFLResilient Aaron Rodgers Vows To Return More Detached From Reality Than EverNEW YORK—In the wake of an Achilles tear that ended the quarterback’s first season with the New York Jets, a…PublishedSeptember 15, 2023
SportsFootballNFLSportsFootballNFLNFL Introduces Touching Flyover Tribute For All Veterans Of Domestic ViolenceNEW YORK—As part of an effort to take a more public approach to addressing an issue that has plagued the league in…PublishedSeptember 14, 2023
SportsFootballNFLSportsFootballNFLAaron Rodgers Hits $5 Million Contract Incentive After Finishing Season With Zero InterceptionsPublishedSeptember 14, 2023
SportsBasketballNBASportsBasketballNBAMark Cuban Launches Company To Help NBA Owners Save Millions On Generic Free AgentsDALLAS—Saying that every team deserved access to effective and affordable players, Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban…PublishedSeptember 13, 2023
SportsFootballNFLSportsFootballNFL‘And Then The Goose Eats The Pirate Ship While Oprah Switches Hats With God,’ Says NFL Coach In Only Way To Explain Play To Brain-Damaged TeamPublishedSeptember 8, 2023
SportsSportsRapinoe: ‘It Was The Honor Of A Lifetime To Compete On The Behalf Of All The Fucking Morons In My Country’PublishedSeptember 7, 2023
SportsSportsTom Brady Fails To Connect With Children In First Half Of Custody WeekendMIAMI—As the former quarterback hung his head on the way to the shower, Tom Brady confirmed to reporters Saturday…PublishedSeptember 7, 2023
SportsFootballNFLSportsFootballNFL2023 NFL Season Preview: NFCWith the 2023 NFL season kicking off this week, Onion Sports has in-depth analysis of every team in the NFC.PublishedSeptember 7, 2023
SportsFootballNFLSportsFootballNFL2023 NFL Season Preview: AFCWith the 2023 NFL season kicking off this week, Onion Sports has in-depth analysis of every team in the AFC.PublishedSeptember 7, 2023
SportsSportsFanDuel Promo Offers Complimentary $100 Bet To First-Time Gambling Hotline CallersNEW YORK—As sports bettors eagerly awaited the NFL season to kick off Thursday, a new FanDuel promotion reportedly…PublishedSeptember 7, 2023
SportsFootballNFLSportsFootballNFLCheerleaders Have Special Celebratory Routine For When Paramedics Announce Football Player Not DeadPublishedSeptember 7, 2023
SportsBaseballSportsBaseballMLB Announces Second Pitch ClockNEW YORK—Following the successful rollout of the pitch clock this season, MLB officials announced Tuesday that the…PublishedAugust 29, 2023
SportsSportsSimone Biles Makes History As First Gymnast To Successfully Perform SomersaultSAN JOSE, CA—Winning her eighth U.S. Championship in 10 years, Simone Biles made history Sunday as the first gymnast…PublishedAugust 28, 2023
SportsSportsMan Wouldn’t Usually Read Into Preseason Game But This One Is DifferentNOBLESVILLE, IN—Following his team’s 27-13 victory over the Philadelphia Eagles, local Indianapolis Colts fan Ian…PublishedAugust 25, 2023
SportsFootballNCAASportsFootballNCAANorthwestern Fans Hopeful Hazing Scandal Means School Finally Getting Serious About FootballEVANSTON, IL—In the wake of several turbulent weeks in which multiple former players filed lawsuits against the…PublishedAugust 25, 2023
SportsSportsPutin Vows Retaliation Should Ukraine Become Member Of Big TenMOSCOW—Warning that President Volodymyr Zelensky should think carefully about the repercussions of changing his…PublishedAugust 18, 2023