SportsNews In BriefSportsNews In BriefEmbarrassed Man Frantically Clears Search History After Googling Jets’ Playoff ChancesGALLOWAY, NJ—Cursing himself and sweating as he tried to eliminate all traces of what he’d done, embarrassed local…
SportsNews In BriefSportsNews In BriefProfessor Not Buying Student’s Bullshit About Having To Play In NCAA TournamentPROVIDENCE, RI—Telling the student that he needed to come up with a better excuse for not handing in assignments on…
SportsNews In BriefSportsNews In BriefBeijing Streets Overrun By Hundreds Of Stray Olympians After End Of GamesBEIJING—Following the previous night’s closing ceremonies, Beijing city officials received numerous reports Monday…
SportsNews In BriefSportsNews In BriefTom Brady Spends First Day Of Retirement Studying Tape Of People To Learn How They WorkTAMPA, FL—Diligently taking notes on hours of slowed-down video footage, future Hall of Fame quarterback Tom Brady…
SportsNews In BriefSportsNews In BriefPittsburgh Honors Ben Roethlisberger With Commemorative Statue In Women’s BathroomPITTSBURGH—Saluting the legacy of a quarterback who brought two Super Bowls to the city and did so much to local…
SportsNews In BriefSportsNews In BriefJohn Stockton Claims Covid Vaccine No. 1 Reason Athletes Fail To Win Single ChampionshipSPOKANE, WA—Saying it played a “dangerous role” in denying perennial all-stars the rings they clearly deserved, Hall…
SportsNews In BriefSportsNews In BriefNFL Expands Super Bowl To Include 2 Additional TeamsNEW YORK—Following up on the momentum generated by expanding both the regular season and the playoff field, the NFL…
SportsNews In BriefSportsNews In BriefStar High School Quarterback Blissfully Unaware He’ll Be Jets Starter 4 Years From NowBEND, OR—As he excitedly slapped a teammate on the back after delivering a pinpoint 30-yard throw in practice,…
SportsNews In BriefSportsNews In BriefSomewhat Athletic Couple Gives Birth To Potential Division III Lacrosse PlayerSPARTANBURG, SC—Friends and relatives were reportedly making predictions about the new baby’s sporting prospects…
SportsNews In BriefSportsNews In BriefTim Duncan Claims He Has Helped Over 20,000 Women With Sensible Retirement PlanningSAN ANTONIO, TX—Coming clean about his off-the-court exploits during his 19 years in the NBA, former San Antonio…
SportsNews In BriefSportsNews In BriefFantasy Owner Struggles With Morality After Absolutely Swindling Friend In Last PlaceNAMPA, ID—Stewing with anxiety and unable to sleep while fretting over what he was capable of, local fantasy…
SportsNews In BriefSportsNews In BriefHertz Hopeful New Football Player Spokesperson Doesn’t Murder Two People This Time AroundESTERO, FL—Calling the recent signing of Tom Brady “exciting as long as it goes better than last time,” Hertz CEO…
SportsNews In BriefSportsNews In BriefBrian Kelly Admits He Never Actually Believed In GodBATON ROUGE, LA—Calling it a harmless fib to fit in and let him do his job without distraction, former Notre Dame…
SportsNews In BriefSportsNews In BriefBaker Mayfield Struggling To Tune Out Booing Progressive Fans On Commercial SetLOS ANGELES—Blasting them for the constant noise while his team was trying to deliver their lines, Baker Mayfield…
SportsNews In BriefSportsNews In BriefScottie Pippen Boasts He Would’ve Given Much Better Performance Than Jordan In ‘Space Jam’LOS ANGELES—Attacking the Chicago Bulls legend for his “massively overrated” line reads, Scottie Pippen boasted…
SportsNews In BriefSportsNews In BriefESPN ManningCast Devolves Into Deeply Uncomfortable Argument About Putting Father In Nursing HomeSAN FRANCISCO—Shouting over each other as guest Philip Rivers sat in awkward silence, ESPN2’s ManningCast devolved…
SportsNews In BriefSportsNews In BriefDefiant Aaron Rodgers Says He Can’t Get Vaccinated Because He Only 4 Years OldGREEN BAY, WI—Lashing out at those who had criticized his decision to refuse the Covid-19 shot, a defiant Aaron…
SportsNews In BriefSportsNews In BriefRetired NFL Player Touts Sports Betting App As Exact Way He Went BankruptORLANDO, FL—Hailing the product as a way users can get a piece of real-life action, retired NFL player Warren Sapp…
SportsNews In BriefSportsNews In Brief‘New York Times’ Releases Jerry Jones’ Hateful Telegrams Slamming Ottoman EmpireARLINGTON, TX—Revealing hundreds of humiliating and bigoted messages wired by the Cowboys owner last century, The…
SportsNews In BriefSportsNews In BriefNew Madden ‘Owner Mode’ Allows Players To Customize Concussion Study FindingsREDWOOD CITY, CA—Touting it as the most realistic update to their long running “Franchise Mode,” EA Sports revealed…