SportsNews In BriefSportsNews In BriefSimone Biles Drops In On Pickup Gymnastics Meet In Rucker ParkHARLEM, NY—In a surprise appearance that sent local spectators into a frenzy, reports confirmed that seven-time…
SportsNews In BriefSportsNews In BriefDog Frustrated After Jameis Winston Sails Tennis Ball 5 Feet Over HeadNEW ORLEANS—Breathing heavily after the long run returning the chew toy to the 27-year-old quarterback, local dog…
SportsNews In BriefSportsNews In BriefReturning Olympic Medalist To Have Pick Of Cameos For 2 Lines Of Stiffly Delivered DialogueLOS ANGELES—Returning home from Tokyo as the most decorated female swimmer in history, seven-time Olympic gold…
SportsNews In BriefSportsNews In Brief‘I Can’t Believe We Pulled It Off,’ Says Olympics Organizer Standing In Charred Crater Where Tokyo Once WasTOKYO—Staring in wonderment as the Olympic Village, stadiums, and surrounding cityscape collapsed in upon…
SportsNews In BriefSportsNews In BriefFrustrated Customer At HBO’s ‘The Shop’ Waiting Hours For Haircut While LeBron Talks About 2016 FinalsLOS ANGELES—Anxiously stirring in his chair as the barber was interrupted once again, barbershop customer Jerry…
SportsNews In BriefSportsNews In Brief‘I Want To Be In The Olympics Someday,’ Says Delusional Kindergartner Already 4 Years Behind In Elite TrainingLA VISTA, NE—In a stunning display of self-delusional and outright ignorance, local kindergartner Mia Gaughan told…
SportsNews In BriefSportsNews In BriefOlympic Divers Tormented By Hawks That Built Nest On Nearby PlatformTOKYO—Citing the distraction of large raptorial birds with wingspans of up to 5 feet, multiple Olympic divers told…
SportsNews In BriefSportsNews In BriefFrightened Olympic Divers Still Unable To Desynchronize Movements Days After EventTOKYO—With the pair continuing to exhibit flawlessly coordinated physical behaviors, reports confirmed frightened…
SportsNews In BriefSportsNews In BriefPhillip Morris Launches High-Performance Sport Cigarette For Abusive Olympic ParentsNEW YORK—Touting the inhalant as the first of its kind to give the parents of athletes the extra push they need,…
SportsNews In BriefSportsNews In BriefConservatives Blast Simone Biles For Robbing Them Of Opportunity To Criticize Her WinNEW YORK—Accusing her of being selfish and unfit to be a gold medal gymnast, conservatives blasted Simone Biles…
SportsNews In BriefSportsNews In Brief‘How The Hell Did Such A Weird Sport Get In The Olympics?’ Says Man Watching GolfSHAKER HEIGHTS, OH—Decrying the changing standards for international competition, local television viewer Edward…
SportsNews In BriefSportsNews In BriefNervous Olympic Athlete Trying Not To Break Down Under Pressure Of 4 People WatchingTOKYO—Stressing that nothing could have prepared her for the stress of competing in front of nearly half a dozen…
SportsNews In BriefSportsNews In Brief‘That’s So They Can’t Have Sex?’ Asks Confused Olympics Viewer Staring At Volleyball NetBUFFALO GROVE, IL—Puzzled by what they were seeing on screen, local Olympics viewer Riley Baker reportedly asked,…
SportsNews In BriefSportsNews In BriefOlympics Under Fire For Human Rights Violations After Forcing Athletes To Exert ThemselvesTOKYO—In a scathing broadside that condemns the organization for glorifying physical suffering on a world stage,…
SportsNews In BriefSportsNews In BriefOlympic Mascot Explains For Hundredth Time He All Out Of Clean UrineTOKYO—Fielding multiple inquiries from desperate athletes hoping to pass their drug tests, Olympic mascot Miraitowa…
SportsNews In BriefSportsNews In BriefDozens Of Athletes Incinerated After Being Attracted To Sight Of Glowing Olympic FlameTOKYO—Wide-eyed and moving in a trance-like state as the bright light drew them forth, dozens of athletes were…
SportsNews In BriefSportsNews In BriefCovid Particle Sporting Ralph Lauren Team USA Uniform At Opening Ceremony
SportsNews In BriefSportsNews In BriefOpening Ceremony Depicts Olympics’ Time-Honored Tradition Of Destroying Local CommunitiesTOKYO—In a dazzling display that featured several artistic renditions of cities being razed by bulldozers, wrecking…
SportsNews In BriefSportsNews In BriefNew MMA Gym Training Next Generation Of Guys Who Hold Back Fighters At Press ConferenceALBUQUERQUE, NM—Emphasizing the mental strength and speed required to deescalate skirmishes between world-class…
SportsNews In BriefSportsNews In BriefOlympic Committee Discourages Sex During CompetitionsTOKYO—In an effort to minimize close contact and limit the spread of Covid-19, the International Olympic Committee…