Spring Break Safety Tips

Illustration for article titled Spring Break Safety Tips

Spring break is an opportunity for many college students to travel, party, and make memories with their friends, but it can also lead to problems if people aren’t careful. Here are some tips for staying safe on spring break:

  • Though it may be a little uncomfortable, fully intubating a beer bong into one’s esophagus is the safest way of funneling a cup of jungle juice
  • Make sure to keep your identifying information on you at all times so your kidnappers know exactly who to contact for the ransom
  • There’s safety in numbers! Never step onto a balcony or fire escape that doesn’t already have at least 50 people on it
  • Thieves target obvious tourists, so be sure to drastically alter every single aspect of your appearance and behavior
  • Avoid confrontations with police by researching local laws concerning trapping and eating seagulls
  • You might feel peer pressure to spend spring break drinking excessively at clubs, but remember that you can have just as good of a time at your hotel room doing even harder drugs
  • Before having sex, make sure you’re in an emotionally safe place; you don’t want to get hurt again like you did with Caitlin
  • If you go on an alternative spring break, regularly remind the impoverished villagers you’re helping how much fun you could’ve been having in Cancun so they understand the scope of your noble sacrifice
  • Over 80 percent of sexual assaults are committed by someone the victim knows, so make sure to stay away from all friends and acquaintances when you go out at night
  • Above all, try to keep in mind the simple rule that you’re a worthless leech draining society’s resources, and if you break your neck tonight stepping into traffic after having one too many banana daiquiris, that will be to the world’s benefit