Winter is finally gone, and that means it's time for spring cleaning. Here are some tips to help you get your home spic-and-span:
- When choosing a household cleaner, set up two identical shower doors side by side. Wipe one with the leading brand and the other with the bargain brand. Examine the results and choose accordingly.
- For fresh, disinfected air, pour Lysol into the humidifier.
- Have you had it with the drudgery of constantly scrubbing that dirty kitchen floor? Boo-fucking-hoo, Toots.
- To eliminate hours of needless scrubbing, spit your chew into an old beer can rather than directly onto the floor.
- Once a week, tell yourself, "Man, I really gotta clean up this dump one of these days."
- Buy a set of latex gloves that come up past your elbows. Not for cleaning, though.
- No amount of cleaning will change the fact that Dabney Coleman was in your home.
- Keep a range-top burner on low flame at all times to eliminate airborne kitchen germs.
- Jesus Christ, there's a thing called shelves, you pig.
- If you are female, don't clean a thing. Cleaning promotes sexist stereotypes about women.
- You can pay inflated supermarket prices for bleach, or be like Martha Stewart and synthesize your own from chlorine particles extracted from sea water.
- Purchase a wet vac. Then, when your fishing buddies come over, you can say, "Look. I got me a wet vac."
- Don't ever stop cleaning. Don't ever do anything else. Make it the basis for your entire identity. If someone criticizes either your cleaning or your cleaning-based lifestyle, yell "Oh, this house!" and run off crying.