NEW YORK—Touting it as a cost-effective and more customized option for many subscribers, Sprint this week announced a new wireless calling plan for people in long-distance relationships that offers a decreasing number of minutes each month. “Starting with 500 shared anytime minutes that gradually dwindle on a month-by-month basis, our first-of-its-kind long-distance relationship plan offers a great value for customers living in a different city than their significant other,” Sprint spokesperson Meredith Kane said of the no-contract plan, which also offers a diminishing texting option and instant voicemail deletion. “Our subscribers will love the ability to use unlimited FaceTime for the first three months and then pay a lower fee as they slowly cut back on video calls to maybe every other week. Best of all, they can gradually rededicate the 500 MB of data they use for sharing sexually explicit photos with someone 1,500 miles away to someone in their local area at no additional cost.” Kane went on to say that even if customers decide to terminate their long-distance plan, they will still have access to a complete archive of all photos and texts that they can obsess over as often as they want.
More from The Onion