THE HEAVENS—Frantic as the make-or-break deadline drew near, St. Peter was reportedly scrambling Monday to throw a few more innocent souls into hell to meet God’s strict monthly quota. “I really gotta beef up my numbers, and fast, or else I’m going to get my ass handed to me during performance reviews,” said St. Peter, adding that he could probably condemn a few recently departed on trumped-up masturbation charges and a few more on gluttony, but that he still wouldn’t be where he needed to be in just 24 hours. “You can always count on a good haul of souls who did some venial bullshit like bearing false witness against their neighbor, but even factoring those in, I’m still looking at an all-nighter.” The guardian of heaven later said that if he got really desperate, he could always pretend he never heard about the remorse expressed by people who repented on their deathbed at the last minute.