The Onion provides in-depth coverage of how the coronavirus response is being mismanaged, botched, and fucked up at the state-level.
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- Uh, has anyone heard from Alabama, lately?
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- Preventing people from dying alone 5,000 miles away from anyone who loves them would defeat the entire purpose of Alaska.
- Residents advised against pulling down their mask to say, “Hey, there’s a moose” every time they see a moose.
- Visitors must quarantine for 14 days in the Alaskan wilderness with nothing but a pocket knife and a frying pan.
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- Tumbleweeds must quarantine for 14 days after rolling in from out of state.
- Border officials urge imprisoned migrants to take turns having 6 feet of space from rest of group.
- All circling buzzards should wait two weeks before picking clean bones of carrion.
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- Officials urge residents to continue segregating 6 feet apart.
- Crowds clamoring outside Clinton Presidential Center repeatedly dispersed.
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- Similar to New York’s but with some unique quirks of its own.
- State officials are confident skyrocketing rents will soon force the coronavirus to move back to the Midwest.
- Illegal for any journalist to gather indoors in restaurants where more than 6 state officials are dining.
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- Few restrictions, as coronavirus easily winded at such high altitude.
- Preventing crowds by only allowing 85 new breweries to open each day.
- One resident per gorgeous snowy peak.
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- Residents advised to shelter-in-place at one of their estates.
- All of state’s 3.5 million residents to be sent to boarding school in Switzerland to wait it out.
- Strictly no white masks or facial coverings after Labor Day.
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- All corporations are urged to stay within their own tax haven.
- Just a pea-sized amount of hand sanitizer in middle of state should do it.
- Statewide mask mandate has been in place for decades to protect residents from the downwind fumes of New Jersey.
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- Mandatory $500 fine for anyone caught trying to figure out state’s actual death toll numbers.
- Color-coded classification system sets out regulations from green (none) to red (also none).
- All drinks must be protected from germs with little umbrella.
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- Any new strains of Covid-19 must be introduced at debutante ball before infecting local residents.
- CDC has urged Georgians to stop pressing their noses up against their headquarters ’ windows to take a gander.
- Officials have strongly discouraged residents from participating in dangerous group activities such as voting.
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- Leis must tossed onto friends from distance of six feet or more.
- At least try to pretend you care about not infecting the minimum-wage hotel staff.
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- Maximum snowmobile occupancy limited to 2.
- Statewide ban on dunking head in water and emerging with fish between teeth.
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- Chicago hospitals treating patients in order of when they called dibs on open beds.
- Italian beef troughs must be sanitized between each use.
- Shelter-in-place mandatory for all residents unable to grease a few palms.
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- Anyone passing through Indiana is, as always, just advised to keep on driving until they get to another state.
- Officials have shut down all rusty basketball hoops nailed to the old barn door.
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- All corn required to self-shuck until further notice.
- Residents welcome to wear a mask but will be required to remove it if asked by a store owner or another customer.
- All food must be taken to-go, on a stick.
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- Officials strongly advise against cremating the deceased in the same pits as briskets.
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- Maximum limit of 25 people per pick up truck bed.
- People who suspect they’ve been infected must quarantine in oak barrel for 14 days.
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- Same rules as all the other states but cajun-style.
- Residents urged to blow trumpets into sleeve.
- Preventing the spread of the pathogen by only allowing outdoor puking.
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- All children required to attend remote learning except for a gang of misfits banding together to destroy an ancient evil.
- Acadia National Park ordered to keep on lookin’ gorgeous.
- Residents urged to remain isolated in their remote, mist-strewn lighthouses.
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- Residents encouraged to carry around plenty of hand sanitizer to disinfect their stab wounds.
- Grocery stores limiting purchases of Old Bay Seasoning to 12 per household.
- Residents instructed to shelter at home until virus gets bored and leaves for another state.
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- All drunken bar fights must spill out onto the streets by 10 p.m.
- Hundreds of Dunkin’s cited for not being 6 feet away from next closest Dunkin’.
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- Vacant lots may host no more than 2 concurrent trash fires.
- Despite massive public outcry, the Sindecuse Museum of Dentistry will continue to have limited hours until further notice.
- Violent extremists limited to attempting only 1 government overthrow per month.
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- Gatherings of more than 10 people indoors punished with a strong disapproving frown.
- The governor has temporarily banned the sale of bat meat for use in hot dish.
- Indoor fitness remains suspended since 1858.
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- Residents urged to keep at least two “S”s between them at all times.
- Workers unemployed due to the pandemic encouraged to wrestle up some catfish from the creek if they’re so hungry.
- Occupancy for rafts floating down the Mississippi limited at 2.
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- With masks required, cigarette-smoking residents are advised to switch to chaw.
- Officials urge residents to brush up on difference between coronavirus and meth overdose symptoms.
- Indoor mask restrictions widened to include shanties, shacks, sheds, and shitters.
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- Strongly urging residents to keep town populations under 50 people.
- All mountain summits must be wiped down completely after use.
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- Everyone in Nebraska is dead.
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- Complimentary shrimp cocktail must not sit out for more than 24 hours prior to serving.
- Non-essential casino heist members urged to stay home.
- Clubs required to offer Purell bottle service.
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- Residents are urged to promote social distancing by continuing their longstanding practice of shunning any and all outsiders.
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- Delis forbidden from hanging beautiful Capocollo in window to avoid crowds forming around the meat.
- Residents encouraged to use elbow to greet associates instead of back of the hand.
- Gamblers may enter casinos only after receiving a temperature check and guessing the result within 0.1 degree.
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- Newly imposed limits on pilgrims paying visit to Freddie Prinze, Jr.’s place of birth.
- The state’s 11 non-retired adults can return to work as long as they wear masks.
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- With cases once again surging in New York, residents are urged to remember Andrew Cuomo is doing a terrific job.
- NYC tourists asked extra emphatically to get the fuck out the way.
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- Strict curfew put in place for all riff-raff.
- Your aunt who lives out there says the restrictions are borderline fascist, but of course she’d say that.
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- No restrictions as all 4 residents are doing a pretty good job staying away from each other.
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- Ban on filmmakers traveling from out-of-state to make documentaries on decline of American manufacturing.
- Residents strongly advised not to attend large gatherings indoors unless you brought a dish to share.
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- No one allowed to get vaccine before they’ve warshed up.
- Residents experiencing Covid symptoms should immediately isolate and ask the Lord for forgiveness.
- State officials will sanitize panhandle between each use.
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- White nationalist militias are encouraged to form smaller white nationalist militia pods.
- Unhappy residents have been forced outdoors after a total ban on indoor hiking.
- Social gatherings are not to exceed 6 people between a maximum of 2 polycules.
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- Cheesesteaks must be eaten in solitude, as always.
- Temporary ban on brotherly love.
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- Citizens advised to keep a Rhode Island-length distance between them.
- Number of monthly art fairs reduced to 60,000.
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- All brisket should remain in smokehouse until achieving savory perfection.
- Newly imposed statewide ban on canceling sporting events.
- Officials sure a hurricane will bury any of their mistakes.
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- Governor Kristi Noem’s refusal to impose any restrictions has made her a rising GOP star, undeniably propelled upward by the growing stack of bodies beneath her feet.
- Residents traveling out of state must bring back two or three people to visit.
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- Maximum occupancy of six honkies per tonk.
- Residents required to sanitize hands with wet wipes between each spicy hot barbecue wing.
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- Brought in a new, no-nonsense sheriff to properly deal with the coronavirus.
- Bank-robbing bandits required to wear correct PPE instead of merely a bandana.
- All indoor gatherings must have at least 12 good ol’ boys.
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- Governor encourages residents to continue sitting quietly on couch with hands folded as they have joyfully done since March.
- Bars open so drinkers can reap consequences of offending God.
- All family gatherings may include only 20 wives or less.
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- Residents told to remain calm as governor enacts temporary ban on bulk nut bins.
- Surface must be cleaned with disinfectant wipe before drinking from cow udder.
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- Blue Ridge Mountains shaved down to stumps to allow more air to circulate into state.
- Performers at Colonial Williamsburg must pretend to be dying from era-appropriate pathogens like Yellow Fever or Small Pox.
- Wild ponies of Chincoteague urged to ride, just keep riding and don’t look back.
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- Residents who’ve been exposed to virus are asked to quarantine for two weeks in isolated cabin in the woods while writing acoustic folk album.
- All two dozen Washington residents who do not work for Amazon must stay at home.
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- Listening in on what Virginia is doing and just enforcing that.
- Anyone who tests positive for coronavirus will immediately be run out of West Virginia.
- Those seeking vengeance as part of an intergenerational family feud are exempt from stay-at-home orders.
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- Officials contact tracing every six-pack of New Glarus that travels out of state.
- Advises residents to remove mask before inserting Bratwurst.
- Reduce trips to Culver’s to 6 or 7 times per day.
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- Residents should approach each other cautiously to avoid spooking the virus.
- Ghost towns ordered to remain abandoned.
- Ass returned to chaps for more comprehensive protection.
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