State-Of-The-Art PA System Squandered On Lutheran Church

Illustration for article titled State-Of-The-Art PA System Squandered On Lutheran Church

BRANSON, MO—Questioning the motivation and financial wisdom of the recent investment on the part of Blessed Hope Lutheran, parishioners and concerned locals alike confirmed Tuesday that a new, state-of-the-art PA system was “completely squandered” on the church. “Everyone knows that the singing here is nothing to write home about and certainly doesn’t deserve this crystal-clear sound,” said usher David Humphries, 46, gesturing to an array of multiple speakers, high-end microphones, and subwoofers of a quality more commonly found in a dance club than a house of worship. “The new setup allows you to catch every word of the sermon, which, okay, good, sure, but you have to wonder if having a fully functioning lighting system is completely necessary. Also, I don’t want to covet my neighbor’s equipment, but...holy shit, this is a brand new Nord Electro 6. Those babies cost a nice chunk of change!” Disappointed congregants added that Blessed Hope hasn’t even attempted to add a nice flair to their otherwise dreary bake sale announcements by taking advantage of air horn effects built into the cutting-edge soundboard.