Twitter has come under increasing scrutiny for the way it handles user complaints, with some critics saying the social media site infringes on their free speech and others alleging it doesn’t go far enough. The Onion presents a step-by-step guide showing how Twitter addresses user complaints.

STEP 1: Twitter reviews harassing tweet to see if it was warranted.

STEP 2: All complaints received over course of month piled in a room for Clover the Anti-Harassment Pig to choose which one to investigate.


STEP 3: User who filed complaint receives message asking them to confirm they really want to be a narc.

STEP 4: Employees assess whether threat came from an account small enough to shut down.


STEP 5: Advanced algorithms make sure any threatening pictures depicting users Photoshopped into the Holocaust are in the public domain.

STEP 6: Any hint of a woman’s nipple, and you’re fucking done.

STEP 7: Employees ask offender to find a less vocal minority group to harass.

STEP 8: Twitter admirably continues to not turn a profit until every last user complaint is addressed.


STEP 9: The New York Times let off with one last warning.

STEP 10: CEO Jack Dorsey tweets out reminder that as a private company, Twitter can do whatever the fuck it wants.