Illustration for article titled Stephen Miller Reassures Sick Wife He Knows What It Looks Like When Woman Dying

WASHINGTON—In an effort to comfort his spouse that her coronavirus symptoms hadn’t progressed to a more serious stage, White House senior adviser Stephen Miller reassured his sick wife Katie Waldman Monday that he knows what it looks like when a woman is dying. “Honey, I know you’re not feeling well and things can be kind of scary now, but I promise you that I have a lot of experience with this, and you don’t have any of the classic signs that women show right when they’re about to die,” said Miller, confirming that her lack of glassy eyes and terrified, ragged breathing meant that death was still a long way off. “Look, when an animal knows it’s about to die, it completely gives up and goes listless in a corner, so don’t worry, you still have a lot of fight left in you. Besides, I can spot a death rattle from a mile away, and we haven’t heard anything even close to that, so just try to relax and get some sleep.” At press time, Miller was assuring his wife that she was safe since she had not exhibited the most common near-death symptom of pleading with him for mercy. 

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