STAFFORD, VA—Frustrated by his failure to properly plan for the massive traffic jam along I-95, local driver Ken Boswell was reportedly kicking himself Tuesday for eating the entire hitchhiker he had picked up before getting stuck in last night’s snowstorm. “I wish I had checked the weather and known what I was getting into, because I could have easily rationed out his meat over the last 20 hours,” said Boswell, who admitted to gorging himself on the 235-pound middle-aged hitchhiker after picking him up from a rest station, slitting his throat, and butchering him in his parked car. “I’m always like this—I never have self-control. After I finished the legs, I could have easily saved the guy’s marrow for later, but I just couldn’t help myself. Now I’ve been sitting here all morning in this blizzard with nothing but some of his blood to drink and a little gristle to chew on. Plus, the bones are really starting to stink the car up.” At press time, a visibly relieved Boswell was rolling down his window as another stranded driver approached to ask if he had any water.