NEW YORK—Bemoaning the hustle and bustle of his cosmopolitan lifestyle, local city dweller Scott Braintree confirmed Monday that he wished he could move into the countryside and just hammer nails into planks for a living or whatever they do. “Man, no more traffic jams or grinding it out at work—just leave the big city behind and go hit stacks of planks with a wrench or something similar to that,” said Braintree, explaining that once he got started “shoveling mud or whatever they spent their days doing out in the sticks,” he was sure he wouldn’t miss his corner bodega or dirty chai lattes. “Boy, that’d be sweet. Sipping some liquid out of a clay jug. Moving a big bale of hay from one place to another and then back to the first place again. Riding around on horses and running them into each other. And then the best part would be no longer living in some cramped one-bedroom apartment. Instead, it’d probably just be a big pile of rocks that you climbed inside at the end of the day. I’m telling you, that’s the good life.” Braintree was reportedly most excited about finally getting off the dating apps and just marrying some big pile of corn husks.
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