‘They’ll Take Care Of You While We Sort Some Stuff Out,’ Says U.S.

Obama tells the middle class that while some things about their new home might seem weird and different at first, like the metric system, they’ll quickly get used to them.

WASHINGTON—Admitting that things have been difficult recently and that the country needed a little time to “sort some stuff out” on its own, President Barack Obama told America’s middle class Wednesday that he would be sending them to go live with the Canadian government for a while.

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The president stated that he and Congress had thought long and hard about the decision, and ultimately came to the conclusion that, given all the problems it was dealing with at the moment, the country simply couldn’t provide the middle class with the attention and resources it deserved. Although he acknowledged he would be sad to no longer see the nation’s middle-income households every day, Obama emphasized that the move was only temporary and would give him peace of mind knowing that the middle class was being well taken care of while he and the rest of the U.S. worked through a number of messy issues at home.

Sources stated that, with the middle class temporarily out of the picture, the country will have the space it needs to focus on itself and make some progress on the nagging and deep-rooted problems that have put a strain on it for so long.

“We just want to do what’s best for you, and right now that means taking you to live up north for the next few months,” said the president, adding that he and his cabinet members would drive the 120.8 million Americans up to Canada and drop them off at the border. “I’ve already spoken with Prime Minister [Justin] Trudeau, and he said they’ve got plenty of room. As you know, things have been kind of unstable around here, and we think it will make life easier for everyone involved if we get you into some new surroundings, away from all the daily struggles you’ve had to put up with lately.”

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“Plus I really think you’ll like it there,” he added. “There’s no need to be nervous; it’s a nice place, and I’m sure everyone will be very friendly to you.”

Leading members of the House and Senate echoed the president’s sentiment, noting that while they still care about the middle 50 percent of income earners very much, their incessant fighting and resentful behavior toward one another—especially their heated arguments over money issues—hasn’t always made for the healthiest living environment.

Sources stated that, with the middle class temporarily out of the picture, the country will have the space it needs to focus on itself and make some progress on the nagging and deep-rooted problems that have put a strain on it for so long. However, government officials said they didn’t want to make any promises about how long such a resolution might take and advised the middle class to pack their winter clothes just in case.

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“Once we’ve had some time to work out our issues, I promise we’ll bring you right back home, okay?” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, forcing a smile as he reminded those households with total annual incomes ranging from $48,000 to $145,000 that although they’d be separated by some distance, he would be just a quick phone call away. “Canada does have some new rules you’ll have to get used to, but it’s really not so different.”

“They even have a middle class of their own that I’m sure will be excited to meet you,” McConnell continued. “I bet you both like a lot of the same things.”

McConnell emphasized that the Canadian government already had everything set up to make the American middle class comfortable when they moved in, and assured citizens they’d still be able to do everything they’re used to, like going out to the mall and watching their favorite TV shows. He also pointed out that the school system in Canada was actually better than the one here, and that the area where they’d be staying was much safer too, so they could go outside and enjoy the fresh air as much as they wanted.

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Though many middle-class Americans expressed reservations about leaving their friends and lives back home, some said they were excited to go to a new place where they weren’t constantly worrying about their country’s problematic and often erratic behavior and where they didn’t feel so neglected.

“Trying to take care of us while dealing with their own problems was clearly putting too much strain on the U.S., so I understand why they felt this was necessary,” said 41-year-old Phoenix resident Joshua Roades, who said he sometimes felt as if the government would take out its frustrations on him and his fellow middle-class Americans for no apparent reason. “I guess I’m a bit worried about how we’ll fit in there. And I really hope the food’s not gross.”

“After the last few years, though, anywhere will be better than here,” he added.

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