Struggling Tech Company Almost Desperate Enough To Start Making Actual Product

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SAN FRANCISCO—Deeming the move unfortunate but necessary to keep his fledgling Silicon Valley dream alive, CEO Jason Ipser told reporters Tuesday that his struggling tech company was almost desperate enough to start making an actual product. “Believe me, I never thought I’d say this, but after years of doing absolutely nothing but laze around and collect massive profits from an otherwise empty pitch, it may be time to start producing something of monetizable value,” said a visibly shaken Ipser, who added that while the company had a flashy name, a great logo, tons of positive press, a multistory downtown office, and angel investors, he had resolved to start experimenting with some money-making initiatives that would perhaps be more lucrative than just talking out his ass. “Look, I’m not happy about it either—I more than anyone was hoping to just coast and keep raking in the dough from hugely successful funding drives and false inflation of our overall net worth. But in this market, you have to be adaptable, and sometimes that means producing something that people actually want to spend money on or find useful to the world in some way.” At press time, Ipser had retracted his statements, scrapped all research and development initiatives, and let out a sigh of relief after Amazon offered to buy the company for $500 million.