SCHAUMBURG, IL—Concluding that it didn’t matter whether the car ride was five minutes down the block or 30 minutes down the highway, a new study published Thursday in The Journal Of The American Medical Association found that 86% of families were hoarse from screaming by the time they arrived at the outlet mall. “Our analysis of hundreds of families from across the United States indicates that the vast majority began bickering the second they piled into the car, soon increasing the intensity of their voices until they were shouting over one another at volumes exceeding 90 decibels,” said laryngologist and lead author Andrew Weiss, whose research team measured temporary vocal cord damage in subjects who had shouted phrases such as, “What the hell is wrong with you?” or, “I hate this fucking family,” before they even entered the Cheesecake Factory parking lot. “While some subjects were quiet at first, 95% of those participants nonetheless developed raspy voices after someone missed a turn, put on the wrong music, or pushed an emotional button, immediately triggering a blowout fight. Overall, three in five family members had lost their voices completely by the time they reached American Eagle Outfitters or the Under Armour store, leaving them unable to do anything but give each other the finger.” Weiss added that nearly all of the families then proceeded to silently fume while walking around the outlet shops, buying a single pair of discounted shorts, and then driving home.