FORT COLLINS, CO—A new study released this week by researchers at Colorado State University revealed that 89 percent of U.S. husbands intend to surprise their wives this Valentine’s Day by stripping nude and then donning a skimpy homemade costume so as to bear the likeness of a plump, winged child-angel. “I just wanted to treat my wife to something special this year,” said 38-year-old James Lyons who, like naked husbands across the nation, was busy transforming himself into a roly-poly cherub by applying rouge to his cheeks, gluing feathers onto cardboard to make wings, and fashioning a garland of green construction paper for his receding hair. “Katie has always wanted to try a little role-play, so she’s probably going to freak when she comes home to find her husband transformed into a sexy, full-bodied herald of childlike innocence. Now if you’ll excuse me, I still need to tune up this antique lute before my wife gets home from work.” At press time, researchers had confirmed that 89 percent of U.S. wives found themselves unable to eat the special dinner their husband had prepared until he agreed to put on a shirt.
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