ITHACA, NY—In a new study released Tuesday by Cornell University, researchers revealed that the average adult male thinks of Santa Claus once every seven seconds. “Based on our extensive data, we can confirm that if you’re having a conversation with a man, whether he is young or old, chances are good that he is preoccupied by thoughts of Santa’s thick, sumptuous beard and plump, rosy cheeks,” said lead researcher Dr. Anya Voltan, whose survey of 150 men between the ages of 18 and 65 found that subjects thought about what it would be like to visit Santa’s workshop or ride in his sleigh an average of 8,000 times per day. “Even if a man is maintaining direct eye contact with you, he is at that same moment almost certainly fighting the urge to think about Kris Kringle entering a chimney, sliding all the way down, and emerging with perhaps just a touch of soot on his nose. In fact, we found that the more a man tries to suppress these thoughts, the more he thinks about big sacks full of presents or what it would be like if he were on the naughty list.” Voltan added that nearly 100 percent of the men in the study reported waking up to thoughts of sitting on Santa’s lap.

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