CHAPEL HILL, NC—Concluding that the official accounts of the collisions always seem perfectly believable, a study released Tuesday by the University of North Carolina Highway Safety Research Center found that 12,000 Americans die annually in what are made to look like automobile accidents. “According to our data, around a third of all traffic deaths in the United States result from circumstances intended to give any suspicious parties the impression that it’s a simple, open-and-shut car crash,” said lead researcher Dr. Natalie Hajek, explaining that the majority of such fatalities occurred at night when visibility along roadsides was obscured and highway conditions were adverse enough that it wouldn’t leave people asking any questions. “Whether it’s a tractor trailer that would seem to anyone watching to be unintentionally careening off a cliff, or a sedan with conveniently damaged brake lines that veers into a lake, evidence indicates these wrecks all appear to happen in ways meant to throw any nosy detectives off the scent.” Researchers recommended that motorists could ensure their own safety by refraining from angering the wrong people and should exercise extreme caution by keeping their damn traps shut.

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