CAMBRIDGE, MA—Noting a sharp increase over recent decades, a study released Wednesday by researchers at MIT confirmed that nearly 80 percent of all statistics are now sobering. “As recently as 15 years ago, there were relatively few statistics that were concerning, let alone troubling, but our research found that the vast majority of current statistical figures are unsettling, alarming, or even, in some cases, chilling,” said lead author Dr. Henry P. Sarraf, who also found that 71 percent of statistics are eye-opening, with a higher-than-expected 48 percent now serving as a major wake-up call. “For years, we’ve known that worrisome statistics were on the rise, but these numbers really shed new light on the problem. Indeed, we found that there are very few, if any, encouraging statistics left.” The findings come shortly after the release of a similar report from Stanford University, which found that a majority of study results are now startling.
More from The Onion