NEW YORK—Shedding light on the consumption habits of attorneys, a study released Thursday by Columbia University found that 87% of Chinese takeout was eaten by teams of prosecutors embroiled in late-night investigations. “Our findings indicated that of all the cheap cartons of lo mein, fried rice, and General Tso’s chicken consumed annually, almost nine in 10 are eaten by lawyers awake in the wee hours of the morning trying to find hard evidence to convict a perp,” said head researcher Amanda Leamon, explaining that 30% of the wontons ordered for delivery were suddenly dropped back into their container after a prosecutor with a loosened tie and rolled-up sleeves realized they’ve just made a huge break in the case. “Across the board, our data revealed that the chopsticks provided in the to-go bags were almost universally used to jab the air as the lawyers commented on how they needed to follow the money after hitting a roadblock. These servings of kung pao chicken and egg rolls seemed to be eaten primarily as fuel for teams of high-powered attorneys running on only four hours of sleep as they became deeply invested in the case, often before gasping when a pile of papers fell off the table to reveal the evidence that they had been searching for all along.” The study also found that the other 13% of Chinese takeout was eaten by the overweight child molesters the prosecutors were investigating.
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