WASHINGTON—A study released Friday by the National Sleep Foundation found that the average giant swallows as many as eight Americans in their sleep every year. “Our research indicates that slumbering giants swallow a small but statistically significant number of Americans per year, often after the pests unwittingly stumble through a crack in the walls of the giant’s castle,” said study author Dr. Sandra Friedman-Hart, admitting that it may be unpleasant for some giants to imagine the tiny creatures clambering onto their gargantuan sleeping bodies or accidentally tripping into their open mouths as they snored. “Some giants may be concerned about the health risk posed by ingesting Americans, but I’m happy to report that there’s really nothing to be worried about. Inhaling an American here or there really isn’t going to hurt you.” Friedman-Hart added that as a 75-foot-tall giantess herself, she had almost certainly swallowed an American or two.
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