FORT COLLINS, CO—Revealing new insights into the animals’ high-risk lifestyle, a study released Monday by zoologists at Colorado State University found that the average squirrel lives through the human equivalent of seven action films every day. “Before you’ve even sat down for lunch, a normal squirrel has already faced a dozen adrenaline-pumping experiences far more insane than all the Die Hard movies combined,” said lead researcher Dr. Bryce Roper, noting that the rodents routinely engage in leaps between branches more death-defying than any Jackie Chan stunt and dodge predators more ferocious than the Terminator. “Being chased along rooftops in Istanbul as bad guys lean out of helicopters to gun you down is perhaps the closest a human could come to understanding the day-to-day life of a squirrel. Maybe multiply that by three and add in witnessing a villain kidnap your child after murdering your spouse, then you’ll get the picture.” The study also found that emotionally, the average squirrel experiences love 10 times more fiercely than Ryan Gosling’s character in The Notebook.
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