BALTIMORE—A study published Thursday by researchers at Johns Hopkins University found that the effectiveness of medical treatment skyrockets when the doctor acts like a condescending dick. “Our research proves that a patient’s long-term prognosis is directly and positively tied to having an MD who is an unrepentant, patronizing asshole,” said lead researcher Dr. Bethany Frey, adding that sick patients whose physician waves away their concerns with a brusk, “You’re not the medical professional, I am,” saw a 30 percent increase in survival rates and fewer instances of self-reported pain. “Whether you’re dealing with the common cold or Stage 4 pancreatic cancer, you want a doctor who will rush through your appointment, cut you off before you finish describing your symptoms, and then scribble something on your chart as they walk out of the room. Physicians who showed an empathetic bedside manner had poorer outcomes overall compared to those who are complete pricks. In some cases, being a fucking huge cock is literally the difference between life and death.” The study also confirmed that patients are less likely to abuse pain medications when an eye-rolling nurse curtly tells them to suck it up because it doesn’t hurt that bad.