WALTHAM, MA—In a finding providing direction to the more than 6 million Americans afflicted with the disease, a study published Monday in The New England Journal Of Medicine concluded that daily exercise could help Alzheimer’s patients look hot. “Even 30 minutes of exercise every other day can help stave off the tragic loss of hotness associated with Alzheimer’s disease, ensuring patients maintain rocking bods for months or even years longer,” said study co-author Dr. Jennifer Chu, adding that the discovery could provide hope to families and caregivers everywhere who might otherwise feel powerless to prevent the atrophy of their loved one’s washboard abs and sizzling beach bods. “Tragically, late-stage patients will never fully return to their former bangin’ selves. But just a few hours of brisk walking, squats, and weight training each week slowed the heartbreaking decline that could turn them into total uggos, and that’s what’s important here.” The study’s authors also requested the Food and Drug Administration fast-track an injectable treatment that had shown promise in ensuring those with Alzheimer’s keep an ass that you could bounce a quarter off.
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