ATLANTA—Urging parents to learn about the dangers lurking in the enchanted forest, a new study from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found Monday that the leading cause of childhood obesity was malevolent witches fattening up children with an intention to eat them. “Our findings show that more and more young Americans have been wandering into the woods, only to be accosted by an old, magical crone who wants nothing more than to plump them up like a piggie and get them ready for stew,” said CDC chief of staff Kyle McGowen, noting a strong statistical correlation between rising BMI percentages and children eating all the Turkish delight, bread pudding, and homemade taffy that their little hearts desire. “Unfortunately, the correlation between excess weight gain and being placed in a steaming cauldron by a witch while she hand-feeds you cherry pie and cackles is extremely high. And what’s worse, by the time these children find themselves on a dinner platter with an apple shoved in their mouths, it’s already too late.” While McGowen emphasized that there was no quick fix to this epidemic, he advised children to leave a trail of breadcrumbs wherever they go, just in case.
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