NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—A new study conducted by researchers at Rutgers University and published Friday found a link between leaning on a mop at center stage and delivering a monologue about things ’round here. “The data we’ve been studying have shown that perching one’s hands atop the handle of the mop before looking out over the audience was the biggest indicator that there was going to be a speech detailing a few things you really ought to know about what goes on in these parts,” said lead researcher Dr. Jennifer Socci, explaining that breaking the fourth wall and delivering a long, uninterrupted oration about how, in a lot of ways, the area was just your normal small town was directly connected to the speaker being alone on stage and stopping to take a break from his 10 seconds of cleaning after the curtains opened in order to prop himself up on the old mop, sigh, and mutter, “Y’know…” “In fact, in 75% of cases, descriptions of the daily lives of the townsfolk and the big scandal that had once shaken the community were preceded by whistling, cleaning the floor, suddenly being made aware of the audience, and then, after wiping one’s brow, deciding to sit a spell. Leaning on a mop was also a strong predictor of reflections on how Mr. Steward opened the general store that his son was now running and how two friends had a falling out over the prettiest darn girl in town. Such information was almost never revealed in actual conversations between two people on stage who were acting as if the audience wasn’t even there.” In addition, researchers determined that a lone figure on stage introducing details of the town’s inner workings while leaning on a mop had a 98% chance of reappearing at regular intervals throughout the show to check in and offer more commentary.