Study Finds Majority Of Times Either Too Early Or Too Late

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CAMBRIDGE, MA—Shedding new light on the nation’s inability to determine a suitable spot on the schedule, a new study published Monday by researchers at Harvard University found that a majority of times were either too early or too late. “After thorough research, we can state definitively that virtually all scheduled appointments or activities throughout the day occur at a time that is universally regarded as either excruciatingly early or, conversely, unbearably late,” said lead researcher Rory DeWitt, confirming that 8 a.m. was unacceptable because it happened too soon in the morning, whereas 4 p.m. was unbearable because it occurred far after a tolerable time period. “Basically, each day has a roughly 30-minute window between 11:45 a.m. and 12:15 p.m. that can be regarded as a generally acceptable time for a scheduled event to occur, though even that varies wildly depending on the participants involved and what they were doing the night before.” DeWitt added that, based on the results of the study, he would strongly recommend just never leaving your bedroom for any reason at all.