WASHINGTON—Saying the extra income would be a major boon both for individual citizens and the country at large, a study released Monday by the Congressional Budget Office confirmed that a mass extinction of the world’s flora and fauna could free up billions of dollars in conservation funding over the next decade. “According to our projections, if the ongoing global extinction of the world’s 8.7 million species continues at current rates, the U.S. stands to pocket some serious cash, likely enough to cover most infrastructure projects we’ve been putting off,” CBO deputy director Robert Sunshine said, adding that the elimination of entire ecosystems, such as rainforests, would usher in the elimination of Medicare and Social Security funding shortfalls as well. “Even if we just lost panthers, we’d be almost $1 billion ahead. Take them and almost every other living creature out of the picture, and we could build a nationwide high-speed rail line and have some left over for a number of really amazing, top-of-the-line weapons systems.” Sunshine went on to confirm that the government has blueprints for fixing the nation’s education system “ready to go” the second humpback whales disappear.

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