SOUTH KINGSTOWN, RI—Researchers at the University of Rhode Island published a study Friday revealing that the Mediterranean diet can, in fact, add years to one’s life, but only by taking them away from others. “Our study confirms that a diet rich in foods such as olive oil, fish, and green vegetables can extend one’s lifespan by several years, as long as a life-expectancy equilibrium is maintained through reducing another person’s life by an equal amount of time,” said head researcher Mara Haugen, hypothesizing that the phenomenon could possibly be attributed to the complex but lesser-known vampiric properties of omega-3 fatty acids. “We’ve found that people who adhere to the Mediterranean diet tend to feel more energized during the day and sleep more peacefully at night, feeding as they do off the waning life force of another human being, who withers and becomes sickly in turn. This is a huge breakthrough in the field of nutrition, and we highly recommend people adopt the lifestyle before they fall victim to it.” Haugen went on to speculate that, if a person was fully committed to the Mediterranean diet, it may be possible for them to draw enough life force from the Earth’s population to achieve immortality.

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