CHICAGO—Revealing that the practice of physical intervention helped to inspire focus and concentration, a new study released by the University of Chicago’s Department of Psychology on Wednesday found that the most effective method of overcoming procrastination was a beating delivered by an overseer whenever you stop working. “Our study, which was completed months before deadline thanks to our on-the-fly implementation of the methods described herein, clearly shows that having an overseer delivering the lash the second you check Facebook will instantly bring rates of procrastination to zero,” said bandaged and limping lead researcher Mark Gaffney, noting that over the six months of the study, a full 100% of subjects tested resumed work instantly after being struck by a superior. “I am in a position to confirm that having a department figure beat you with an axe handle while repeatedly shouting ‘Deadlines!’ is uniquely effective in immediately ending distraction, as well as keeping you focused for hours due to your fear of being brutalized again. Not to mention that such use of force also deters everyone in the office environment from letting themselves become distracted, given their knowledge of the consequences.” The study also noted that the second most effective method of overcoming procrastination was to create to-do lists.

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