Study Finds Only 97% Of Eye Contact Sexual In Nature

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NEW YORK—In a finding that reverses decades of conventional scientific wisdom, a sociological study from Columbia University revealed Wednesday that only 97% of eye contact is sexual in nature. “Our research suggests that a stunning 3% of all cases of a coworker, friend, or complete stranger making momentary eye contact are not attempts to seduce or even playfully flirt with you,” said study co-author Dr. Hamilton Morris before quickly clarifying that the vast majority of commuters on trains, baristas, TSA agents, bar patrons, dentists, and supermarket shoppers still use brief eye contact in order to suggest sexual interest and urge you to initiate intimacy as soon as possible. “It’s important to emphasize that locking eyes for any span longer than a few seconds causes this percentage to jump precipitously. As a result, it remains safe to assume that virtually any individuals—even police officers, rabbis, or funeral directors—looking you dead in the eye are aroused and want to get you off as quickly as they can.” In another finding, the team discovered that only 49% of eye contact from one’s pet is a smoldering come-hither look.