Illustration for article titled Study Finds Over 55 Million Deaths Could Be Prevented Annually By Some Sort Of Immortality Serum

MADISON, WI—Concluding that such a breakthrough would greatly improve the prognoses of patients with terminal conditions, a new study released Wednesday by the University of Wisconsin School of Medicine found that more than 55 million deaths could be prevented each year with an immortality serum of some kind. “We would likely see a dramatic drop in death rates worldwide if an elixir that confers everlasting life could be successfully developed and then administered to every person on the planet,” said epidemiologist and study co-author Matthew Potter, who suggested the public health benefits of such a serum could hardly be overstated, considering it could prevent deaths caused by heart disease, cancer, tuberculosis, car accidents, wars, and many other things. “Given the positive outcomes it could deliver, this is clearly an area of medicine that merits further research. Once we have the serum, then it’s just a matter of adding it to the water supply, releasing it into the atmosphere via drones, or maybe coming up with some other universal-delivery system we haven’t even conceived of yet. It’s really that simple.” The study concedes an immortality serum would also come with its share of adverse effects, including rampant overpopulation, critical resource depletion, and crippling existential crises for anyone who takes it.


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