CAMBRIDGE, MA—In pioneering new research that could revolutionize the understanding of Earth’s flora, a study published Monday by biologists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology found that plants communicate using an underground network of spies. “For the first time, we have been able to intercept the top-secret messages carried by covert operatives working under deep cover in the soil,” said MIT botanist Rehka Laurier, who in order to conduct the study spent years infiltrating Midwestern farmlands to cultivate assets among corn seedlings. “Once we learned to decode the complex chemical formulas these spies used to communicate, we were able to obtain intelligence on where vital water resources were located and when aphids or a swarm of locusts might be planning their next attack.” At press time, Laurier was reportedly distraught after learning her whole network of sources in Nebraska had been burnt for crop insurance money.
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