CHICAGO—Concluding that even a quick scan of the page can supply the body with vitamin C, lycopene, and omega-3 fatty acids, a groundbreaking study published Thursday found that when read from beginning to end, this article provides 13 nutrients vital to sustaining basic human health. “As we speak, thousands of readers are discovering the benefits of this article,” the study read in part, explaining that by continuing all the way through to the very last word of this nutritious paragraph, readers can boost their energy levels and better absorb antioxidants. “Preliminary evidence suggests that a daily reading of this article, along with a healthy sampling of those stories appearing below, can help alleviate symptoms associated with ailments ranging from depression to diabetes to cancer. In fact, forgoing a doctor-recommended program of diet and exercise to instead read as many articles as possible on this website may help maintain a youthful appearance, promote sexual wellness, and increase one’s lifespan by up to a decade.” At press time, officials from the Food and Drug Administration said they had not evaluated the statements made by the study and warned that reading this article more than four times per day could lead to urine toxicity, liver damage, and, eventually, death.

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