ATLANTA—While the quality of the nation’s mental health continues to worsen, a new Centers for Disease Control report released Friday claimed to have found that the decline is sharpest among Americans who finally tried out a bolo tie and no one complimented it. “By almost every measure, the mental health crisis in this country is deteriorating, but we are consistently finding that to be true most prevalently among people who finally worked up the courage to wear a bolo tie out in public, only for it to go completely unacknowledged,” said CDC analyst Danielle Green, interpreting federal data that purported to show that 87% of Americans who, over the last few years, slid the ornamental clasp of a bolo tie up the leather cord and proudly walked out the door expecting to be met with praise and flattery reported slipping into a deep depression by the time they returned home later that day, even when they had no previous issues with the condition. “There’s a clear and worrying trend of depression and anxiety running rampant throughout the community of people who try to introduce a new, funky, Western look to their repertoire but are subsequently met with silence. Often, the affected find themselves stuck in a pattern of thought that begins innocently enough with something along the lines of, ‘Hey, why not mix it up today,’ but very quickly funnels unhealthily into repeated self-assurances that ‘everyone hates me because I wore a stupid bolo tie’ and ‘I look like a fucking idiot in this fucking idiotic bolo tie,’ and so on. The CDC is pleading with everyone to please acknowledge the surprising fashion decisions of your friends and neighbors, even if it’s just a friendly, ‘Howdy, cowpoke,’ because you never know who really needs to hear it.” The report also claimed that suicides by bolo tie were currently up 750% over last year’s numbers.
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