SANTA CRUZ, CA—In an investigation of how different variables can predict the effects of hallucinogenic drugs, a new study published Wednesday found that the skin of one’s hands dissolving into a puddle to reveal the bones beneath provided the best indication that one was about to have a bad trip. “Among participants administered LSD, 98.2% of those who held up their hands to watch as their skin dripped off and their muscles ripped away from their bones went on to report highly unsatisfactory outcomes with the drug,” said Bill Tasker of the Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies, explaining that his research team conducted its survey from a random sample of naked, screaming individuals found cowering in a corner of the room. “We also discovered strong correlations between bad trips and slowly sinking into the carpet as the walls shout obscenities at you, suddenly realizing you are an incubating fetus of dark matter trapped in a black hole, and looking into a mirror to see all of your teeth pack up their suitcases and walk out of your mouth. As such, we recommend those who experience such phenomena drink a glass of water and try to calm down a bit before taking their next dose.” Paradoxically, the study found that if your skin, bones, and entire body melt completely into the earth and you and all the matter in the universe become indistinguishable parts of the same cosmic dance, then you are about to have the best goddamn experience of your life.
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