NEW YORK—According to a large-scale, comprehensive study published Friday in the Journal Of Cognitive Neuropsychology, blowing hair off one’s face while carrying a complicated coffee order for one’s boss across bustling city streets has been identified as the single greatest indicator of stress. “The act of simultaneously running through a busy intersection to make the light, attempting to remove a strand of hair from the field of vision, and balancing several beverages a supervisor has demanded be delivered before the big meeting appears to be the No. 1 cause of anxiety in human populations,” said study co-author Val Martinez of Columbia University, adding that the data collected showed blood pressure rose and muscles tightened as one clutched a phone between the neck and shoulder while telling a significant other that they had to hang up now because they were supposed to be back at the office five minutes ago with a no-foam skim latte, three Americanos, one decaf, and an iced oat milk latte with three pumps of vanilla. “Cortisol levels in the brain spiked dramatically among subjects who had just arrived from a small Midwestern town and were trying to make it in the big city by impressing a powerful person with the successful completion of a needlessly complex task of minimal importance, hoping their grit and determination would be rewarded with a shot at their dream job. Tests also showed that adrenaline levels increased if an individual was shouting, ‘Sorry, excuse me, shit, sorry!’ while narrowly dodging several people on the sidewalk who were yelling obscenities at them for being in the way.” In a related study, researchers discovered that subjects bumping into their office crush and ultimately spilling those same drinks was strongly correlated to an immediate emotional breakdown in a bathroom stall during which they considered giving up and moving back in with their parents.