NASHVILLE, TN—Providing new insights that could influence both policymakers and educators, researchers from Vanderbilt University published a study Friday linking high standardized test scores to being a 45-year-old man in a propeller hat pretending to be a fifth-grader. “We’ve identified a strong correlation between achieving high marks on national aptitude assessments and walking into a classroom twirling your hat and holding a giant lollipop while announcing ‘I have a fresh apple for teacher!’” said research director Marcus Cline, noting that the data shows students with higher scores are also more likely to wear sailor outfits and sport rosy red cheeks. “Our research shows a near one-to-one correlation between perfect math scores and getting stuck in a child-sized desk. It’s nearly impossible for students from low-income households who are not 45-year-old men carrying slingshots to compete. We’ve found it’s especially intimidating for these kids to see one of these adults pull up in the school parking lot riding an oversized tricycle.” Cline added the only demographic that had made any progress closing the achievement gap was 65-year-old men wearing bonnets and shaking rattles.
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