NEW YORK—In what doctors are calling a landmark discovery vital to understanding mental health, a new study published Thursday in The American Journal Of Psychology found that postpartum depression was directly linked to a baby immediately slapping and flipping off its mother after birth. “In terms of a woman developing postpartum depression, the biggest indicator by far was the baby exiting the vagina, making contact with their mother for the first time and then, five seconds later, calling her ‘a fat ugly bitch,’” said lead author Dr. Charles Gunderson, adding that a mother was far more likely to suffer insomnia, loss of appetite, and have difficulty bonding with her baby if the infant immediately told her to “fuck off and die.” “Of the thousands of women we studied, six out of 10 mothers indicated they’d felt anxiety, mood swings, and guilt the second their newborn jumped out of their arms, spit in their face, and told them to ‘clean that up you dirty whore.’ Worse still, almost 90% of women surveyed confirmed that these feelings persisted after the baby mocked them either by miming fake tears or pretending to play the world’s smallest violin with their fingers.” Gunderson also added that, sadly, the most reliable indicator of maternal suicide was a newborn baby slowly drawing a finger across their neck and mouthing the words “You’re next.”