CAMBRIDGE, MA—In a troubling revelation concerning the living conditions of millions nationwide, a Harvard University study confirmed Wednesday that only 40 percent of mice in the continental U.S. have a little welcome mat and doorway leading to a tiny home inside a wall. “Our research shows that, disturbingly, less than half of American mice can afford their own home, defined for this purpose as a space entered through the wainscoting where they sit at a table made from a spool of thread, eat off bottle-cap dishes, and sleep in an adorable sardine-can bed,” said lead researcher Susan Lord, adding that only the top 15 percent of rodents are able to decorate their residence with framed photos of cheese, beer-coaster area rugs, and wee “Home Sweet Home” signs hanging over their doors. “Moreover, only 25 percent of these creatures occupy a place big enough to house a hairbow-bedecked wife with large eyelashes and their children. Unfortunately, only the wealthiest 7 percent own a set of matching nightcaps for their darling family to wear while snoring in unison at night.” Lord went on to say that 90 percent of these mice have such inadequate living spaces that the rollicking chases that constitute the bulk of their workdays usually conclude with the pursuing cat having its face stuck inside their doorways.

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